Lifestyle
Confessions of A Cleaner: Book dishes the dirt on life in the cleaning business
From an uninspired school career to becoming a cleaning business magnate…
“I ran a successful cleaning company for 20 years. It has been educational, amazing, and astonishing. Some of the stories… well! I can’t wait to tell them to you. Will this book shock you? Most of you, yes! So let us begin: It is an interesting fact that the average woman cleans for around 12,896 hours in her lifetime, whereas men spend a diminutive 6,448 hours doing chores.
“In fact, 20% of men say they never clean at all. But one thing I do know is that I have done around 500,000 cleaning hours in my lifetime.” – Matt Bird
Matt Bird’s Confessions of a Cleaner shines a much overdue spotlight on the ups and downs, joys and sorrows of life cleaning for others. The publication introduces the reader to the world that, sadly, is too often stigmatised and looked down upon.
Having run a successful cleaning business for over twenty years, the author bursts with hilarious tales of getting up close and personal with the detritus of other people’s lives. Telling his warts and all stories with wit and integrity, Matt Bird has gone full circle from employing twenty staff to now working with just one other. And despite the ups and downs of his extraordinary career, what jumps from every page is the author’s love of his work. This fact alone will make him the envy of many in more aggrandised professions.
Matt Bird:
“There is a stigma attached to my line of work. It’s an industry which is looked down on by most, laughed at by others, and totally ignored by some. However, we are not the lowest of the low, as some people seem to think, and most of us are certainly not stupid or uneducated (although it’s fair to say that Oxford and Cambridge were not exactly fighting over me).
“However, one thing I did leave education with, was common sense. I’ve noticed common sense is so rare these days it should be considered a superpower! Why is it that the most intelligent people I come across have no common sense whatsoever? My book is a way to push back and let us cleaners have a little laugh at you; although I spend a lot of time poking fun at ourselves too, exposing our dirty secrets from the inside.”
Following the success of his first book, Baby Pigeon, based on his online dating experience – Matt Bird is back, sharing his words of wisdom on the cleaning industry, an industry he knows inside and out.
Pictured top: Hilda Ogden, Rovers Return cleaner in Granada TV’s Coronation Street. Pictured above: Amy Turtle, cleaner at the Crossroads Motel. (ATV).
Matt Bird:
“I guess the seed was planted in my head at an early age that I probably wouldn’t aspire to much. I was in the remedial unit class at school, and this meant we were always under constant supervision and constantly underestimated. There are a few times that stuck with me and which I learned from – some of which clearly inspired my work choices years later.
“Anyway, when I started cleaning, I basically took on anything and everything from cleaning public toilets to celebrity houses. I’ve since gone full circle from starting off as a one-man band to employing 20 staff at one point. Now, I am back to just me and one other, and I like it that way. I’ve made my money, bought a string of houses along the way, and invested wisely. I have a wealth of experience, a few regrets, and a heap of hilarious stories. But I’m pretty much done and dusted, like a mantelpiece in a show home.”
Despite on television cleaners being the centre of the community – think of Hilda Ogden in Coronation Street, Julia Brogan in Brookside, Mary Mack in High Road and Amy Turtle of Crossroads and reality shows have given cleaners personality – such as Kim Woodburn on How Clean Is Your House? – in the real world it’s not such a happy affair for moppers, dusters and scrubbers.
Mike Bird:
“One thing I learnt early on, in society cleaners are treated like dirt. It’s ironic really since we scrub your dirt away. It’s a sad truth but to be a cleaner you need an incredibly thick skin. I for one hold cleaners in high regard. It’s an honest job; it’s a dirty job; but someone has to do it. So, I’ve decided to fight back, write a book, and literally dish the dirt!
“This book is for everyone who has ever looked down upon me. You might have laughed at me, but I’m about to have the final laugh! Oh, and for all you unsung heroes out there who undertake cleaning, and all supermarket trolley pushers for that matter, you have my heartfelt respect. Some stories are shocking, other stories are funny, some are so disturbing. However, all the stories are true, whilst identities have been changed to protect the innocent.
“So, from being in the remedial unit to a cleaning company magnate, this is my story. This is The Confessions of a Cleaner”
