Punk Poet Laureate John Cooper Clarke breathes new life into the world of…Insurance Claims

THE UNDER-WRITER IN RESIDENCE ANTHOLOGY

1/. The bull and the farmer

A farmer whose prize bull suddenly dies

Must say his goodbye to next year’s prize

The best in the biz

They were selling his fizz

Then everything went in the red

Isn’t a goer

Now the poor animal’s dead

But the farmers earnings

May yet be returning

As the insurance paid up instead.  

2/. The baboon and the photographer

A wildlife snapper in the Kenyan greenery

Figured baboons were just part of the scenery

Until they swiped all the fella’s machinery

Cheeky monkeys or what?

Still Hiscox paid on the spot. 

3/. Kittens on the laptop

They fought like cat and cat – who’s that?

This client’s two kittens in a spat

A cup of coffee got spilt – evidence of their destructive guilt

There disabled on the kitchen table

His laptop sabotaged it can’t be rebuilt

Hiscox responded with admirable haste

And instantly the machine replaced

So put this on your blog

It wouldn’t have happened with a dog.

4/. Electric Fence

For a citizen in the countryside

It could have been worse he might have died

Most people would rather suspend their suspense

Than put to the test an electric fence

This one guy however had no common sense

He sued the landowner who claimed recompense

and was fortunately covered for just such events

A nasty shock then a pleasant surprise

for no one is, at all times, wise.  

5/. Poltergeist and the jewellery

A few years ago a jewellery heist

was carried out by a poltergeist

gone was the gelt and away went the ice

Then the items returned

Lessons were learned

And the compo refunded all legal and nice.